wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
