Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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