I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
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