in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
