A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
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