I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
