6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
