I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
