dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
