if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
