i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
