So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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