I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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