so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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