I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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