My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
