Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
