It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Randomize
