life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Randomize
