Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
You're like the curious george of whores
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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