When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
