She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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