Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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