I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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