The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
