I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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