just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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