You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
