I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
