There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
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