My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
