If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
my liver is dry heaving
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
