We're like a lot better than the average bears
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
