Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
