Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
