Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
