I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
The power of my boobs compel you
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Randomize
