Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
