Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
