Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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