There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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