You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
