I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
