So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
