I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I just found a bag of teeth...
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
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