My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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