i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
