my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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