One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
pray to the hookup gods
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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