Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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