omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
