Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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