you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
