Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
