shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
