just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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