He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
