I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
