also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
