He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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