I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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