Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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